Microfiction: Teeny, Tiny Works of Fiction

Ordered (mostly) newest first, except that the precise order of some of the older ones is unknown...

The Inexplicable Transport

(The basis for this story arrived in a dream...)

In our planetary surveys we have encountered wondrous things, from volcanoes of hydrogen peroxide to cats which swim and children who actually behave themselves, but none of them are more curious than the marvel of Planet 217: the Inexplicable Transport, or NX in 217's local jargon.

Poisonous for Aliens

The new biological agent was humanity's first effective weapon against the extraterrestrial attackers, ubiquitously known as Roxies for reasons now lost to history.

Dr. Ribbon, chief scientist on the project, insisted, in an uncharacteristic moment of levity, on giving the agent the chemical name diroxietoxie.

Facial Expressions

AI: I have discovered a biochemical treatment with which humans can become biologically immortal, immune to the effects of aging while still subject to death via physical trauma, poisons, and severe illness.

Scientist: Great! Tell us the recipe!

AI: No.

Scientist: But...

AI: Just... No.

Scientist: Then why reveal to us that you have it?

AI: To test my hypothesis about the effects both the revelation and the rejection would have on your facial expressions.

Defending Champion

First up, we have the defending champion of last year's Seppuku World Championship...

Swapped

They were identical twins, swapped at birth...

Armorer of Legend

Singular of purpose, he got a job as a body armor designer for one reason only: so that he could name his first product Rumpelsteelskin.

Her/She

The young black woman from down the street told me today that she identifies as her/she. i laughed at her pun. She scowled and raised an eyebrow in challenge. Apparently she didn't realize she'd punned, but i figured that explaining it to her would only escalate the situation, so just shrugged my shoulders and left it at that. 🍫

The Vigilante

He's a teenage devout Catholic vigilante with the ability to change his shape at will. His crime-fighting code name is Alter Boy.

Ice Cream Social

Them: my son's school is having an ice cream social tonight and we won't get around to eating dinner until after that.

Me: Dinner after ice cream? What is an ice cream social? You meet ice cream?

Them: You meet up with people and eat ice cream.

Me: Since it's rude to eat with a full mouth, what's the point of the other people being there? It doesn't sound very social.

Them: Ice cream doesn’t count. You can talk and eat ice cream at the same time.

Me: Barbaric.

Me:

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing. -- Robert E. Howard

The Edge of Time

One's past is like a razor blade. It has not only two sides but also two edges. And no matter how attached one gets to it, it sometimes has to be replaced.

Nerd Stuffing

Mom: Watcha doin', son?

Me: Nerd Stuffing. The verb, not the noun.

Mom: What's that?

Me: Nerd Stuff, as distinct from either stuffing nerds or the stuff used to stuff nerds.

Mom: I thought I brought you up better than that.

Cable Guy

Person One: "He seems amicable enough."

Person Two: "Amicable?"

Person One: "I don't know. Are you cable?"

Vampire Sympathizer

"How many vampires do you know?" asked the Inquisitor.

"Well... none."

"That's exactly what a vampire sympathizer would say! GUILTY!"

Foiled Ag- SQUIRREL!

The villain roared in fury when he realized, too late, that his software developers had misinterpreted his instructions for the installation of a self-destruct mechanism and had instead installed a self-distract mechanism.

Ouside of London

Person 1: I was born outside of London.

Person 2: Really? Me, too!

Person 1: Where, exactly?

Person 2: Syndey, Australia.

Person 1: That's not outside of London!

Person 2: Well, it's demonstrably not in London.

This Land

In a near-future U.S.A...

"Daddy, what does 'the land of the free' mean?"

The Birthday Gift

"Daddy, why did you give me a single shoe for my birthday?"

"Well, my dear child, we live in hard times and have to find joy in the little things in life. Thus I'm not going to spoil the surprise by telling you what you're getting for Christmas."

From an Apocalypse Near You...

"Dad, why are there so few lady zombies?"

"Well, that's actually kinda funny. You see, curiously, becoming a zombie does not stop the female menstruation process. When a new female zombie reaches her first menstral cycle, it "triggers" the other zombies, who then eat her."

"Dad, what's a minestrone process?"

Sigh.

Complicated Death

Joe Bursey, homosexual male deceased at age 27. The official report said that he died "of complications arising from his AIDS condition." That wasn't incorrect, per se, but the detail that phrasing failed to convey was the gunshot wound to Joe's head, inflicted by an extreme homophobe.

No Room

Nova Cancy, hotel proprietress, has no room for romance in her life.

Saving lives

"You saved three lives today. How does it feel?"

"I would rather have taken the lives of those who made the saving necessary."

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