Ordered (mostly) newest first, except that the precise order of some of the older ones is unknown...
Mom: Watcha doin', son?
Me: Nerd Stuffing. The verb, not the noun.
Mom: What's that?
Me: Nerd Stuff, as distinct from either stuffing nerds or the stuff used to stuff nerds.
Mom: I thought I brought you up better than that.
Person One: "He seems amicable enough."
Person Two: "Amicable?"
Person One: "I don't know. Are you cable?"
"How many vampires do you know?" asked the Inquisitor.
"That's exactly what a vampire sympathizer would say! GUILTY!"
Foiled Ag- SQUIRREL!
The villain roared in fury when he realized, too late, that his software developers had misinterpreted his instructions for the installation of a self-destruct mechanism and had instead installed a self-distract mechanism.
Ouside of London
Person 1: I was born outside of London.
Person 2: Really? Me, too!
Person 1: Where, exactly?
Person 2: Syndey, Australia.
Person 1: That's not outside of London!
Person 2: Well, it's demonstrably not in London.
In a near-future U.S.A...
"Daddy, what does 'the land of the free' mean?"
The Birthday Gift
"Daddy, why did you give me a single shoe for my birthday?"
"Well, my dear child, we live in hard times and have to find joy in the little things in life. Thus I'm not going to spoil the surprise by telling you what you're getting for Christmas."
From an Apocalypse Near You...
"Dad, why are there so few lady zombies?"
"Well, that's actually kinda funny. You see, curiously, becoming a zombie does not stop the female menstruation process. When a new female zombie reaches her first menstral cycle, it "triggers" the other zombies, who then eat her."
"Dad, what's a minestrone process?"
Joe Bursey, homosexual male deceased at age 27. The official report said that he died "of complications arising from his AIDS condition." That wasn't incorrect, per se, but the detail that phrasing failed to convey was the gunshot wound to Joe's head, inflicted by an extreme homophobe.
Nova Cancy, hotel proprietress, has no room for romance in her life.
"You saved three lives today. How does it feel?"
"I would rather have taken the lives of those who made the saving necessary."